The words you speak become the house you live in

Art by me, from a time which feels like forever ago. (flashes of my everyday sights at the Port of Spain General Hospital, 2014)

- Hafiz

The house you live in.

I've said a lot of thoughtless things in my lifetime. Thoughtless, critical, judgemental. Baseless, envy filled and defensive. I've also been genuine, kind, sincere, thoughtful and well meaning. As a child, I would write a lot. Journals, letters, lists, cards. Sometimes people discovered them and they wouldn't be received well. But as technology evolved so did media, enter different types of writing and words. Some of my most distinct memories have been over texts and social media exchanges. A mix of flirting, flattering and trolling. I vividly recall a fight over text in which a 10 year long friendship was ended. Oddly over the way words were used against others. I remember the grief after the death of a once important bond that was so painfully fractured after reading text messages sent to me. Sometimes, there is just no going back.

I also remember the way my husband told me how he felt about me for the first time. I levitated. Our communication consisted of mostly musical and lyrical exchanges from songs which moved us.

And yet, no words can also be very powerful. Like reaching out for help or being disappointed by someone we considered when met with silence when we may have expected comfort or being let in on something.

I of course, am not the only one to realize these deductions. Perhaps  it comes with the way of the world, the rise of technology and the fact that words are used more and more over social media, through text, emails, news headlines. It is a double edged sword, but it makes us either more mindful or more reckless.

For some of us, we look at what we say carefully, we read the text a million times, backspace it or send it and get filled with the warmth of the rush of blood to our heads. Now more than ever, our words are carefully, cautiously selected and sent out with the risk of it not being received the way we intended. For others they use throwaway words behind a screen. When they can't see how it affects the other person. But to me, they both have the same impact. The way we address both ourselves and others. Whether negative or positive, online or in person, directly or indirectly - our words are powerful and prophetic to ouselves, and the world at large.

They tear us down. They build us up. They motivate. They break us. They shape who we are.

What does it mean to say our words become the house we live in? It must mean that our own perceptions shape our innate beliefs, animate our behavior, and create our world. They hold their dominion from our emotion driven responses when we hear, read, or speak them. It is the everyday, common words we use that becomes us. The more we use repeat specific words or hear them, the greater the power they wield. As cliché as it sounds, the Universe is actually listening.

You tell someone they're a failure? They will continue to believe there's no need to try. The failures will inevitably manifest; You tell someone they are brave and worth it - you best believe they are going for every opportunity. And will succeed too.

Sometimes I think about the way we regard ourselves. Our inner voices and even external "throw away" words. How many times have you tried to discount your own feelings as "just being sensitive", or a self deprecating word such as a "huge fail, a hot mess,  silly, crazy or psycho"? I've done it more times than I can count but more and more I see that my feelings at the time are valid but if I choose to present it in a way that invalidates them  then why should anyone take me seriously? (I wish I could say I've perfected the art of using non self deprecating language but to be honest its a work in progress when you've spent years convincing yourself that you aren't good enough so trust me- I get it.)

One thing that helped me is understanding that the way I use my "throwaway" words also affects others in my periphery. Calling yourself "crazy" or "psycho" are things that perpetuate mental health stigma. Also when you loosely say you have PTSD, anxiety, depression, ADD or panic attacks for minor inconveniences without ever experiencing them and understanding the depth of what these medical problems entail , it trivializes the experiences of those who actually have them. Saying "I'm so fat" or "ugh so dumb" does impact the way others around us think and shows how we think about society. Culturally discriminating jargon,  gossiping about others - especially women- are all toxic traits that say more about us than of them.

So I've come up with a simple way to be kind to myself. And it is to be kind to others. Even in their absence. We are all works in progress, we are all human and we all are on different paths. It's so easy to judge someone else, when we see one aspect of them and not all they are. Why not indulge with the same grace we would like extended to us? If someone brings up something to me with the intention to critique it, I may not respond. I'll admit that I used to but it never feels good. Even when you're trying to be funny about it at someone else's expense by using a frivolous comment.

What about you? Do you feel satisfied if you say an unkind throwaway comment? “Oh its no big deal?” Or does it feel a bit dirty after?

I have been actively trying to practice mindfulness in my thoughts. Speaking with purpose and intention. Saying "I will do"something instead of "I hope to do.." or employing the use of a more positive tone. If something I see makes me want to judge, I will ask myself what it is about this situation or person that makes me feel this way. (And avoid looking at it or the situation - hello boundaries!)

Having a toddler who repeats everything has groomed me into being more deliberate with my own use of words. What words would I feel proud of him or incredulous if he said it in public? He repeats everything, whether or not it is said directly to him. (Let's just say he calls my husband "babe") He also models the way we treat each other and those we interact with, even Eggsy.

Around my son, my husband and I try to not disagree in front of him. I do not even in jest or being playful insult his father, what I do is say things like "I love Daddy, he makes me feel safe" or "you are so kind and brave". I also tell him "no" quite often and emphatically as one does with a toddler, except I explain why the answer is no. We have been having conversations before he could even talk.

In my personal journey, if I find myself feeling something like defensiveness or hurt I will allow myself to feel my emotion and convey this to the person who has incited it giving the benefit of the doubt that they were unwitting in the moment. Equally as important- if someone comes to me, I will listen and respond thoughtfully - with intention knowing that my response can have a much larger impact than I intend it to.

Above all, be kind.

“Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.”

- Yehuda Berg