Social isolation from everyone else means quarantining with yourself

This has to have been the longest month we've ever experienced.

Since the threat of this virus was introduced and then grown into a full blow pandemic, no matter when you started socially distancing - before or after it was mandatory, we did not realize that time away from everyone else meant more time with ourselves.

While the distraction of reading news, online meetings, taking care of kids or meeting deadlines increased, some of us wake up in a Groundhog-Day-esque fashion and are faced with the dread of wondering if what we do now will even matter once this is over. In reality, it's an important time to look back at the things we do daily pre-pandemic, and genuinely ask ourselves - who was it all really for? Did it make me happy? Or even worse, realize that what we did spend our days doing- did not ever really make us happy.

You see, as looming as this dark cloud of the pandemic is outside, these's also the dark cloud of all of the aspects of yourself you try to escape or deny that are here to face. Let's see if I can unravel some of mine here. I must duly warn you though, that this is a glimpse into my own mind, my daily battles and self inquisition- you may leave here more confused and have more questions than when you began. 

Roles, relationships & guilt 

So I begin by asking what is my role? 

I have been asked a number of times to express my thoughts on the matter. And I had the same response each time. Why would anyone care to hear my take on it?

Granted as a graduate public health student and a teacher in clinical medicine and simulation with years of hospital medicine behind me, it’s natural that I would see multiple angles. But I admit even for me this time has been tough. Given my background, I feel as though I am in between - not an expert in anything, a master of none? My mentor calls me pluripotent. Don't get me wrong, as much as I would like to be out there treating patients, I simply do not have that chance. All I can do is keep up to date with the current numbers, the treatments, and the public health literature. 

I don't like talking about the fact that I can stay and work from home, because I know that it is a luxury. And I am grateful for the opportunity, but it is also really hard not to look at what everyone else is doing- the decorated heroes, praised for their actions and think you are not doing enough. I feel guilty that I am not an overnight Covid - 19 expert. I am not fighting a disease in a hospital, I am not calculating statistics and formulating public health strategies for it. I am not across the state gathering personal protective equipment (PPE) for health workers, I am not writing up the next breakthrough research paper. At least not yet -but I still ask myself over and over: Should I reach out to more opportunities to practice? Should I fly to NYC, leave my family and go do what I was trained to do? I took an oath, ethically and morally- what should I do? 

If you also are in this position whether you're a trained health care professional or not I want to say (to both of us) that it's worth noting that even though the pandemic is the main issue, it's not the only issue we face and other aspects of life and medicine continue. For many, we have to focus on the jobs we do have which are not Covid-19 related and the roles we do have and perhaps allow those who have their specific role in the pandemic to be supported while doing their own jobs. The pandemic may be in front of me but I still have to learn code for my statistics assignments and exam coming up, prepare the next course for my students and manage a home.

All i'm saying is, as our lives have moved online more, its easy to compare yourself to others. It probably is also not wise though very easy to do so and compare our coping mechanisms to the way other people are coping. Maybe they appear to be using this time more productively, but is anyone actually thriving? 

Wait- is everyone thriving -but me? *existential panic*                                                                                                       
But what about where I am currently..am I spending enough time with my baby? Should I take up more of the responsibilities, change him more, feed him more, read to him more? Teach him more? Is he learning enough? Is he eating enough? 

That being said, this time is forcing me to look at my relationships. With my husband and family but most importantly with myself. The people we're quarantining with, are they who we know them to be? How are they dealing? How much time do you want to spend around them? Do you find yourself missing them while they're in the other room or wanted to dig a hole in the ground and tunnel yourself away? 

What about those we love who live elsewhere? When next will I get to hug my family? How are they coping in a time of uncertainty? Am I being the best support we can be? If not- why?

I should go hug my husband. And call my grandparents.

Anxiety & the uncertain future

Some dream of faceless monsters, of running away. That's what my husband sees -whenever he manages to fall asleep. Maybe we had important career or travel plans that have been postponed indefinitely. Maybe our businesses have slowed down or closed. We are all worried about what will happen. The uncertainty is the faceless monster which chases us.

As for me, my resting heart rate has increased, it spikes when a notification appears on my phone. I check my phone as soon as I wake up and I'm always on high alert.  I see the climb in deaths, cases, unemployment, need for PPE, who is the next person- is it someone I know?

Having a medical career despite what your area is you can still be sensitive to so much misinformation floating around that if you choose to even look at everything thrown about- it will drive you crazy. Personally, between BBC notifications, Whatsapp forwards, Twitter, Facebook - I felt myself inundated with the need to combat all types of wrong information to the point of paralysis. At some point I decided everyone has their way of dealing and I needed to find myself a way as well. 

I have become actually afraid of going anywhere past a walk around our community. I don't have a mask, I would need to wash my clothes and shower before I even come into the house, I may never get a haircut again. It seems irrational but after I've counted all the possibilities to avoid getting myself or others sick, I end up choosing to order in groceries. 

I think of the abused being forced to live with their abusers now with no escape. And suddenly I don't care about my hair anymore. What about the people who were forced to close their businesses, furloughed, laid off, cannot make their rent, are service workers and cannot socially isolate because they cannot afford to stop working? What about the homeless? What is life going to look like over this hump? Will it ever go back to the world we knew?

I think about all of the experiences I have had growing into an adult. Traveling, trying new things, meeting interesting people, making friends. What will the world be like for my son? Will he ever get to taste garam chai on an early morning train arriving at Agra to see the Taj Mahal? Will he be able to eat authentic Italian gelato at a piazza in Rome? Will he fall in love on the Ponte Vecchio in Forence or share a frivolous kiss on the Bridge of Sighs in Venice? What about eating tapas in a Barcelona restaurant? Doubles at a corner on the Southern Main Road in Curepe,? Will he sit among the pouis, and lay in the grass at the Queens Park Savannah with a cold coconut water? Will he only know people across a screen or outside in masks? Consider his books fantasy? I know this all might seem a bit irrational, but its where my mind goes- you understand.

Looking within & moving forward

In moving forward, facing our emotions and feelings about the whole experience we first need to ask ourselves and each other- well, how DO we move forward? We're already face to face with ourselves so we might as well examine in depth. I mentioned earlier we have to look at the relationships with ourselves. 

Sometimes I worry whether spending time learning how to manage these imaginary patients I may or may not eventually have is a waste of my time. I wonder if my future lies in academia, or something unrelated to medicine. I don't even know if our jobs can withstand this crisis. I am no stranger at looking at limited mortality, but I get the feeling most may be seeing this as an opportunity to pursue something they've always wanted to. 

Do we do things just for the approval or validation from others? Or for ourselves? Do we no longer feel the need to exercise or not bother to shower before a Zoom meeting? Are we continuing to work as normal? Relaxing the rules to give ourselves a break? Going harder on ourselves to distract from the looming air of uncertainty? Are we finding time to exercise or do we need five more minutes of the kids in front the TV to have a moment to breathe? 

There is really no wrong answer here. 

However you choose to do it, I hope you can be kinder to yourself and those around you. Try to do things with intention and mindfulness of our words and what is shared.

I do have  few bits of unsolicited advice though: Before you send that message, ask if this is something that is going to stress someone we love out more or what can you say that might be uplifting? Respect the need for you and those around us to have the space to cope. Remember at this time more than any other time, hope for a better tomorrow and sharing good news is as important as keeping up with the realities. I myself will try to stay alert but not anxious. Actually, maybe shut off from social media after a while. Remember that, even though some may not have a defined role in fighting this pandemic, just staying home, staying safe and being kind gives you an active one. If you can afford it, donate to those who need, check in with those living alone, order in and tip well.

Focus on what you can control, what's in front of you and ask yourself that even in a social isolation or quarantine situation- would I be someone that someone else would want to quarantine with? Myself included.